The Tragedy of Hungry Howie’s – Part II

Hungry-Howies_company_fullIt was a simple plan really. It required three things: 1) a dozen water balloons, 2) a big garbage can full of water, and 3) another pizza delivery from Hungry Howie’s. There may have been a few eggs involved but I don’t remember if any of us had any eggs. Maybe we just talked about eggs. And looking back, what college kid has a dozen eggs? They certainly would have come in useful!  

Other than Tyler and I, I remember at least two and possibly as many as four other guys being involved in these hijinks. My good friend Matt, who I am still friends with to this day, this guy Aaron, maybe this other guy Steve, and a different Tyler who lived down the hall. I can’t remember everyone exactly but there were enough “other guys” to form a small crew. Like something from a George Clooney movie only not as polished and also broke as fuck. Idiots 5 or something like that. And we all went along with this dumb plan because what else did we have to do? It was Sunday and none of us had homework or jobs to go to. We needed something to kill the time.

We devised our revenge, we idiots from that wing of Smith Hall who happened to be around that day. Just a crew of jerkwads who were going to take out their frustrations (really, did we have any legitimate frustrations?) on some poor pizza delivery guy who had nothing to do with screwing up our order. And always remember, we ate every last bite.

The important part of this operation was where we positioned that garbage can full of water. And I’m not talking about the small waste paper basket in your dorm room, but the larger streetcorner trash barrel, the 55 gallon sucker where you dumped all your empty beer cases and liquor bottles. We emptied that thing our and filled it almost all the way to the top with water. Don’t think we rinsed it out or anything. It was about 50 gallons of gross, ice-cold garbage water.

It was Florida, so everything was outside. The stairs that led from the parking lot to the first floor of the dorms, the walkway that turned left and headed to the stairs that went up to the second floor, and a concrete landing at the top of the stairs that led into the building. Even the callbox, a small rectangular box with a dial pad you’d use to call certain dorm rooms using a 4-digit code (we all had actual plug-in telephones in those days!) All of this was outside and all of this was accessible by pizza-delivery guys. They’d usually park in front of the building, walk up the stairs, take a left and GO UNDER THE SECOND FLOOR LANDING and head to the callbox to phone the correct room.

At that second-floor landing is where we placed that garbage bin. It was the perfect trap. Just as he turned left to head to the callbox he’d be smashed with a freezing waterfall and then the water balloons would come out as he retreated soaking wet to his car. “How funny will it be?” Tyler snickered. “Good old delivery man will return to Hungry Howie’s soaking wet to tell his manager that the boys at Smith Hall got him back for not fixing that crummy pizza order!”

It was just way too funny to him but we all went along with it because we were stupid dumb idiots who thought ‘why the fuck not?’

More about this guy Tyler who I knew for just a few months.  

Tyler and I did not get along as roommates. We eventually got into a huge fight a few weeks after the pizza incident because he decided to move two rooms down the hall yet REFUSED to relinquish the key to what was now my room. So for two or three days, Tyler was back and forth between two dorm rooms. I couldn’t tell if he was still moving out or exactly where he’d be. Coming into my room to get his laundry, or hanging out two rooms away in his new room, or coming in to grab shaving cream. I couldn’t figure out exactly what the fuck was going on except that Tyler basically had two dorm rooms: his regular room and a storage closet where I happened to live. I was having it no more! I remember Matt (my good friend Matt who I bonded with almost instantly) sitting in my room during my final confrontation with Tyler. Matt’s presence was an act of support meant to show Tyler that the people of Smith Hall were on my side. It was a gesture I never really thanked Matt for but have appreciated ever since.

“Tyler, you moved out,” I said. “It’s time to turn over the key.”

Matt say on the recliner across the room, listening quietly. Of course Tyler got pretty pissy about my demand for the keys. “I’m still moving my stuff out! Why you getting so pissy?”

“Because you have two fucking rooms. So pick one and stay there. If you don’t live here, you can’t have a key.” He threw a fit about it or acted like I was unreasonable, I don’t exactly remember. But I do remember earlier that day taking what remained of his stuff, which I believe amounted to one laundry basket with a pile of unwashed clothes, and placing it in the hall where it sat for several hours.

Well, you see I wasn’t Tyler’s only enemy. Someone else who lived in that dorm saw Tyler’s stuff in the hallway and spat and big glob of chew onto those dirty clothes. And tried to make it as obvious as possible that it was no accident. Tyler was livid!

“Someone spat tobacco juice all over my fucking clothes that YOU put in the hallway!” he yelled at me.

“Then maybe you should have put them in YOUR room!”

Tyler was obviously blaming me for the unnamed citizen who heroically spat chew on his clothes. But hey, it happened in the hallway so it was out of my jurisdiction and Tyler knew it. In a bout of frustrated defeat, Tyler yanked the dorm room key off his keychain and threw it at me before storming out of the room. I now had a room to myself for the rest of the year and an extra key. Matt rolled his eyes, shook his head. But Tyler was gone. He would drop out of college a few weeks later.    

I tell you this not because I need to show that Tyler was eventually bested, though I guess that’s part of it. Nor to show that he was a bad person, because he wasn’t. This only illustrates that Tyler, while a central person in this story, was not a hero doing a heroic deed. But that he was just a young kid trying to find his place and fit in. It was just weeks into our freshman year. None of us even really knew each other. We were just four or five kids who, through coincidence and proximity, found ourselves engaging in an act that would (while stupid) somehow make us closer and provide a sense of belonging and inclusion that any young kid away from home would want.  

I wasn’t doing this to get back at Hungry Howie’s. None of us were. We were doing this because we thought we would make friends. I think that, deep down, the other boys in the group probably felt the same.

Back to Operation Pizza Guy.

We fucked it up. Not even close to what we planned.

Tyler called Hungry Howie’s and ordered another pizza, but that was about the only thing we got right. Then we all got into position. I was on lookout, right at the top of the stairs that pizza guy would climb after he parked. I would be able to see him coming and then signal up to Tyler and Matt, who were ready to tip the garbage bin from the second floor landing. Around the far corner of the building, beyond the callbox, Aaron and the rest of the gang were armed with a bucket of water balloons. I also had a small armory of water balloons that I could fire from my spot once the guy made it back to his car.

We were all set for an onslaught of water and adolescent revenge. So we waited.

And waited. And eventually a tiny red Ford Escort rolled into the lot and parked in place just before the stairs. Just as planned. I don’t know why the rest went so wrong. Maybe we weren’t watching for the pizza guy and just weren’t ready. Maybe he moved too fast. But when he arrived, he didn’t even go to the callbox. He was unfamiliar with the setup of our dorm rooms and wasn’t sure where to bring the pizza. I remember him wandering this way and that. Didn’t he know he was supposed to just walk under the landing and go to the callbox? Then everything would work out as planned!

But no, he didn’t. I think he may have knocked on a completely different door. And he did eventually walk under the landing, the big water bin was heavier than expected and it took the guys too long to turn it on its side. Water came crashing down, but pizza guy had long since cleared the landing and was already on the other side. In fact, the water dumpage was such a colossal miss that when the water crashed down and splashed onto the pavement, I don’t think he even noticed.

He eventually found the callbox and rang our room, but there was nobody there to pick up. Sensing something was amiss, the pizza guy turned around and walked away, probably hearing our frustrated whispering to each other as we tried to salvage the operation.

Our water balloon men were grossly out of position. I personally didn’t fire a single shot. The guy eventually made his way back to his car, set the pizza in the front seat, got in and started to drive away. Aaron ran out to the parking lot and launched a single water balloon as he drove away, only to see the balloon splatter uselessly onto the pavement behind the escaping car.

I was appalled. One water balloon? That splashed uselessly in the parking lot, probably unnoticed. It was like waiting for a hurricane only to get 10 minutes of cloudy skies. Frustrated and disappointed, we regrouped back in the dorm room and debriefed our miserable failure.

“We weren’t ready, we just have to time it better next time.” One person said.

“We need a backup plan in case he takes a different route to the door,” said someone else.

We had different ideas for our specific tactics but we all agreed we were going to try it again and get it right this time.  Tyler picked up the phone and called Hungry Howie’s.

“I’d like to order a small cheese pizza please,” he said while we all watched. “Smith Hall,” he said. Holding the phone at his ear, Tyler squinted at what he heard. “What do you mean you’re not doing anymore deliveries to Smith Hall?” He listened for a moment then said, “Well then fuck you!” and hung up.

“What did he say?” we all wondered.

Tyler sighed. “He said they’re not delivering pizzas to Smith Hall anymore today because that last driver mentioned some complaints about…water?”

We were crushed. No more pizza deliveries today? What were we going to do? We had our second strike all planned out. The failure of the first would only make the second more precise. We knew what to expect now. We had this shit DOWN, and now Hungry Howie’s was pulling out of the operation and messing up all our plans. We had so many water balloons left over. And an weapon unused is a useless weapon.

We all sat there dumbfounded and disappointed.

“What do we do now?”

“Easy,” Tyler said as he reached for the phone book. “We order from Domino’s.”

We looked at each other. We nodded. It was on.

To be continued…

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